


“The Talk”

by RyuichiSakuma



Series: What Were the Mugiwara Thinking? [3]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Comedy, M/M, Teaching Luffy about the Birds and the Bees, where do babies come from?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-18 04:39:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4692392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RyuichiSakuma/pseuds/RyuichiSakuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sanji gives Luffy “The Talk.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	“The Talk”

**Author's Note:**

> I have NO IDEA where this came from, but I hope you like it!
> 
> As usual, I thank my beta, Eiri. Much love, dude!

Gritting his teeth, Luffy placed his straw hat onto his head and pushed open the door. Sanji was just finishing up the dinner dishes, his hands deep in hot soapy water. A half-smoked cigarette hung between his lips, smoke from the tip curled up towards the ceiling as the chef placed another dish in the water and began to scrub.

 

“No, you may NOT have a snack, you just ate!” the blond said, anticipating the rubberman's question without turning around.

 

Luffy looked down at the floor and shuffled his feet. He was silent for so long that Sanji turned to gaze at his captain out of sheer curiosity.

 

“Will you teach me about sex?” Luffy asked, his expression serious.

 

The cigarette hit the floor cherry first, putting itself out as Sanji's mouth fell open.

 

“W...why?” Sanji croaked, both the cigarette and the dish in his hand forgotten.

 

Luffy turned beet red and stared at the floor. Sanji smiled momentarily, but as Luffy's gaze came back up, the chef made sure to steel his expression into one of neutrality.

 

“Who is she?” he asked, wondering if it was one of the pretty girls he had seen on the island where the Thousand Sunny was currently docked.

 

“Its a he,” Luffy replied, as the red extended down to his chest.

 

“A...he?” Sanji asked, one blue eye bugging out as he stared at the blushing rubberman.

 

Luffy nodded before he looked up into Sanji's eye.

 

“Zoro,” he said quietly.

 

The cigarette was joined on the floor by a butt as Sanji's legs gave out.

 

*~*~*~*~*

 

In the men's bunkroom, Sanji locked the door while Luffy watched.

 

“Why'd you do that Sanji?” the raven-haired man asked, scratching absently at the scar on his chest. He had recently gotten into the habit of scratching it whenever he was confused.

 

“So that no one interrupts our...discussion,” Sanji replied. “I don't want you distracted, and since nearly everyone's in town and Franky's on watch for the next few hours, we should be good to talk.”

 

“I still don't get why you locked the door,” Luffy reiterated.

 

“Shut up rubber boy and come sit down. This is a serious discussion, so don't interrupt me until I'm finished, okay?” Sanji explained as he placed his right foot on top of his left knee. Still wearing a confused expression, Luffy took the seat next to the blond.

 

“You know the basics about sex, right?” Sanji began. Luffy scrunched up his face thoughtfully for a moment before his eyes lit up.

 

“Yeah, a man and a woman sleep together and the baby gets made. But I've slept with Nami before and she hasn't had a baby yet,” he said, taking off his hat to scratch his head, messing his already unruly hair up further.  
  
“Sleeping _next to_ someone under a mikan tree is not the same as ' _sleeping together_ ,' ” Sanji huffed. “Although, I can't understand _why_ my lovely Nami-swan won't do that with me....” he continued, trailing off for a moment, a goofy grin on his face as he thought of what could happen next if he ever did manage to talk her into it.

 

“Sanji. Sanji!” Luffy yelled into his ear.

 

“OW! That hurt!” Sanji cried out, clapping a hand to the ear and glaring daggers at Luffy. The younger man looked blankly back at Sanji, then opened his mouth. Sanji braced himself for what he knew was coming.

 

“Does that mean that if I sleep with Zoro under the mikan trees, he'll get pregnant instead?” he asked.

 

“Not unless Zoro's a girl and we don't know it...but he does wear a dress now...” Sanji pointed out, chuckling.

 

“Zoro's a girl? So if I sleep with him...” Luffy started to ask.

 

“ _NO!_ Zoro's a boy...a man! How many times have you seen him naked in the bath, Luffy?” Sanji shouted, his cheeks slightly flushed with the thought of a nude Zoro.

 

“He does have a...thing...now that I think about it,” Luffy said more to himself. “Then other than boobs, what does a girl have that's different?” he asked, looking confused once more at Sanji.

 

“Girls have...girl parts look like...where the _fuck_ is Chopper when I need him?” Sanji cried out, putting his head in his hands. Luffy looked at the chef, once again confused.

 

“Chopper? But Chopper's a reindeer, how would he know what humans have?” Luffy asked.

 

“Chopper's a doctor, or did you forget?” Sanji reiterated as he sat back up. Luffy rubbed his hair and grinned.

 

“Oh yeah, I forgot! My bad!” he chirped.

 

Sanji took a deep breath and started over.

 

“How about I change how I explain it. Boys have an outie and girls have an innie.” The chef sat back, a smug smile on his face while Luffy thought about what he was just told.

 

“So...sex is done in a belly button? That means I'm a girl! I never knew!” he said, lifting his shirt and looking at his innie belly button.

 

Sanji facepalmed.

 

“Look Luffy, you're a boy, Zoro's a boy and I'm a boy. So is Usopp, Franky, Brook and even Chopper. The only girls on this ship are Nami-swan and Robin-chwan.” The blond thought for a moment and then looked at Luffy.

 

“Luffy...so...you're in love with Zoro?” he asked carefully. “How do you know?”

 

Luffy once again scrunched up his face while he thought, a blush spreading to his cheeks and making its way down his neck.

 

Sanji couldn't remember ever seeing the younger man blush so much.  
  
“Well, when I see him training, I get all hot inside. And I want to kiss him. And my...thing...sticks up and I want to touch it. And I have these...dreams...and I end up having to change my blanket, nearly every night now.”

 

“That explains the huge pile of laundry,” Sanji murmured.

 

“So its...love...right?” the brunet asked, his body sitting bolt upright.

 

“It very well could be, Luffy. But how do you feel about him when he's not training? Do you still feel the same way?” the chef asked.

 

Luffy turned away and pursed his lips.

 

“I...can't look at him anymore.”

 

Sanji sat back and pulled out a cigarette. Placing it into his mouth, he smiled, his eyes lighting up.

 

“Sounds like love to me.”

 

Luffy blew out a breath that he didn't know he was holding.

 

“Good! I thought I was sick or something!”

 

Sanji chuckled. “You are, Luffy. Lovesick.”  
  
“EEEH? You can't die from that, can you?” the younger man asked, eyes wide.

 

“No, but sometimes, it feels like you could,” Sanji said, drawing a blank look from Luffy.

 

“So how do I fix it? Can I ask Chopper to give me a pill or something?” the brunet asked, rubbing at his chest once more.

 

“Pills won't work. Its not that kind of sick. It means that you want to be with him, that's all.”

 

Luffy smiled at that. “That's cool! I _like_ being near him!”

 

Reaching into his jacket, the blond pulled out his lighter and lit his cigarette. Inhaling, he held it for a bit while he thought about his next statement. Luffy waited, eager to find out what the chef would say next.

 

“Ask Zoro out, Luffy. On a date,” was the answer as the chef blew a cloud of smoke to the side.

 

The younger man thought about that for a bit before saying, “No.”

 

Sanji's eyes bugged out. “Why not?”

 

Frowning, Luffy stared at the chef. “What would we talk about? I can't even _look_ at him anymore, much less talk to him!”

 

Sanji sat back and put the cigarette back into his mouth. “That could be a problem. And knowing that asshole, he'd wait for you to say something. If you two don't talk, it would be a very awkward meal.”

 

Luffy sighed. “So what should I do? I can't keep being like this, its weird!”

 

Sanji inhaled from his cigarette and thought for a while, puffing away until the smoke stick was nearly gone.

 

“Why not keep it simple? Ask him out for a walk along the beach. That way, you two can talk about the beautiful day, the seagulls, fuck, you can even talk about what you want for a snack once you return.”  
  
Luffy looked at Sanji as if he had grown a second head.

 

“Meat, of course!”

 

Sanji rolled his eye. ' _Of course,'_ he thought to himself. “Sure, I'll have something waiting for you two once you both return. Just make sure that the shitty plant-head don't get lost on the way.”  
  
“Okay Sanji!” Luffy chirped, his mouth already watering at the thought of snacks.

 

*~*~*~*~*

 

Sanji had the snacks ready for when Zoro and Luffy returned to the Sunny from their long beach walk. He placed down the last of the sandwich plates and added one more bottle of beer to the intimate table for two he had set up under the mikan trees.

 

Hearing footsteps, he looked towards the gangplank and froze as he watched a worried Zoro hurry up it, a slower Luffy behind him sticking a seashell up his nose. Blue eye wide, he waited until the swordsman hurried over to him. Bending down to catch his breath, the swordsman looked as if he had seen a ghost.

 

“Cook,” he said breathlessly. “Luffy and I fell asleep together under a coconut tree. Does that mean...” Zoro gulped. “I'm... _pregnant_?”

 

Sanji could only stare.


End file.
